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On this day in history
On this day in MY history
June 8, 2021 - I am not doing well. I knew this for certain when I took my sleeping pill tonight. I have never taken two at one time, though often debated, wishing to ensure a good night's rest. I haven't yet because I worry about sleeping a little too well and not waking up again. Ever. Tonight, I didn't care. Then I caught myself in that moment, and realized I am a bigger mess than I thought.
I have been triggered frequently of late, and not dealing with them well. I feel like I'm back beyond square one somewhere. I'm not sure why everything is so hard right now. I have no cope left. Some days are great, and others are not. Some are beyond my control. I wonder if I'm actually bi-polar?
The trigger today was unassuming. Matt was coming in the door as I got up at about 11:30 this morning. I noticed he had been wearing his "good" shoes, and I said "Oh, you've been out?" Yes, he says, I went for a walk. I froze in place with fear and anxiety. Stopped breathing as I was immediately transported back in time to when a walk, for me, was a harbinger of betrayal.
My ex-husband was unfaithful twice (that I am aware of). Both times, before he told me, or I found out, he had developed the practice of going for walks alone. Pouring rain or other inclement weather didn't matter. He'd come back drenched and looking just as stressed as before.
His second affair had been going on for at least a year by the time I discovered it. By that time, he had PTSD from several overseas operational tours with the CDN Forces. He was in therapy with a psychologist, and had been for a couple of years at that point. General Romeo Dallaire had previously made public statements about his struggles with PTSD. He revealed that he would often go for walks by the river and contemplate suicide by drowning. I had presumed that the odd behaviour and emotional distance of my Ex were due to his own battle with PTSD. He used to come home from work and tell me he had gone for a walk by the Elbow River at lunchtime that day. In the rain. One of many reasons that I worried he was on the edge of suicide.
So, walks are historically bad news for me. I know Matt's behaviour is perfectly typical of him, and we are fine.
I was surprised though, by my body's visceral reaction, and my inability to shake it off. My emotions ran high, I was brittle all day. Additional stressors, involving the unexpected cost of car repairs which I cannot afford, pushed me beyond my limits. Tears were exhausting rather than cathartic. I need to make an appointment for more counselling. I am not doing well.
