WTF is real?

 Bad day. Migraine & Botox reaction. Diminished capacity cognitively, vulnerable and weepy emotionally. I get confused between reality and what I've dreamt. I often see email and text notifications that turn out to have been nonexistent. I don't always know what's real anymore, and it scares me.

The church called me in error today. I answered "Tammy speaking" and the woman on the other end said she had the wrong number. I miss my job. The Parishioners and the buildings NG. The church. The people. Except the clergy. But everything else. I'm so exceptionally sad to have found the perfect job and then have to leave it. 

There are inconsistencies in my loan documents and LTD approval.

My hypnogogic experiences are making me doubt myself and I am not confident in my recollection and decisions. I am weepy and burst into tears at random. 

Megan called to check on me. She and Erin are. She and Erin are super supportive. Megan notified Erin about my deteriorating mental state, and Erin came up to give me a hug and make sure I eat.

I'm listening to the audio book "Educated" the plotline involves a dysfunctional and abusive Mormon family, and includes a lot of gas lighting, bullying, and the main character distorting her reality to fit what helps her to survive. She also doesn't know what's real anymore. I'm sure this contributed to triggering me today.

Tomorrow will be better. I say that while feeling the burn of the asteroid heading my way 😂

June 9 - Ground Hog Day All Over Again

Migraine Level

On this day in My History

June 9, 2021 - I took today as a self-care day.  Soaked in a hot bath, wrote in my journal here. Did little else. It's amazing how fast the day goes when you're doing nothing. It is 3am as I finish writing this. I'm up way too late again. Migraine hasn't been too bad today. About a 5/6 for most of the day.

Matt was out when I woke at about 1pm. It was raining and I saw no sign of where he might be. I had just decided that Cait (his daughter) must have picked him up to go shopping or discuss details about the new house, when he came in the door. He had been out for a walk in the rain. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, this is not atypical of Matt.  He prefers to walk places and is usually unbothered by a bit of weather.

This on top of yesterday though, I just had to ask if everything was okay. Yes. Matt's voice reveals impatience and annoyance at my asking.  He hates it when I fuss. "In the rain?"  Yes, his cheque had come in the mail and he walked up to the bank to deposit it. He also got his second vaccine shot for Covid-19 at the drug store (yay!).

Asking actually doesn't mean much, but it's all I've got. I asked my Ex all the time if everything was okay. He always said yes. Even though my empathic senses told me he was feeling otherwise, I could only take him at his word. That was before I knew that his word had no meaning. 

Matt has never lied to me, of course that I know of. I don't want to live in distrust, and I made the choice when I started dating that I was all-in with an open heart.  It's the only way I can be.  Still, the past is haunting. And against my will, is disturbing me again.  It's exhausting and I feel like crying all the time. I have made a counselling appointment for Monday morning. I just have to make it through to then.

June 9, 2020 - Elizabeth Jacques is born. My BFF's first grandchild!

Historical Events of June 9th

A lot of significant events happened on June 9th! This is my curated list:

• June 9, 1534 - Jacques Cartier sails into the mouth of the St. Lawrence River, looking for gold and a northwest passage to the Orient; names the river for St. Lawrence on his feast day. Québec, Canada

• 1549 Book of Common Prayer is adopted by the Church of England

• June 9, 1537 - Religion - Pope Paul III declares in his encyclical Veros homines that Indians are "truly men", beings with the qualities and faults of other humans; they should not be enslaved, and should receive the Roman Catholic faith. Rome, Italy [Mighty white of him.]

• June 9, 1775 - American Revolutionary War - Guy Carleton proclaims martial law and calls out militia to augment 800 British regular troops; suspends administration of the Québec Act to meet the American invasion. Québec, Canada

• June 9, 1793 - Upper Canada Assembly passes law prohibiting the importation of slaves into Upper Canada. Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario

• June 9, 1813 - War of 1812 - American troops abandon Fort Erie after their defeat at Stony Creek; the British and Canadians will reoccupy the fort after American withdrawal from the area in December 1813. Fort Erie, Ontario

• June 9, 1814 - War of 1812 - Upper Canada Judges Thomas Scott, William Powell and William Campbell sentence eight Americans and Canadian "renegade settler" sympathizers to be hanged for treason and spying in the Bloody Assize at Ancaster; only one settler, Aaron Stevens, pleaded guilty, for passing information about British troop movements, to US General Boyd; the eight are hanged on July 20; seven others are spared and sent to Kingston to be deported. Hamilton, Ontario

• June 9, 1841 - Lord Sydenham appoints Legislative Council of Canada with 24 members; holds its first meeting on June 11, 1841. Kingston, Ontario

• June 9, 1866 - British Army soldier Timothy O'Hea enters a burning Grand Trunk Railway boxcar enroute to Fort Erie, rips the lids from munition boxes, and douses the flames with buckets of water; for saving the lives of his fellow soldiers and 800 German immigrants in converted boxcars, the 20 year old Irish Private will become the only person to earn the Victoria Cross for an act of valour In Canada, on January 7, 1867. Danville, Québec

• June 9, 1846 - Fire destroys the wharves and 2,000 houses in St. John's, leaving nearly 12,000 people homeless. St. John's, Newfoundland

• June 9, 2011 - British Columbia government renames a stretch of the Trans-Canada Highway between Langley and Abbotsford to "The Highway of Heroes" to honour the 13 BC soldiers who lost their lives in Afghanistan. Victoria, BC

June 8, 2021 - Walking Backward

Weather                        Migraine Level

On this day in history

On this day in MY history

June 8, 2021 - I am not doing well. I knew this for certain when I took my sleeping pill tonight. I have never taken two at one time, though often debated, wishing to ensure a good night's rest. I haven't yet because I worry about sleeping a little too well and not waking up again. Ever.  Tonight, I didn't care. Then I caught myself in that moment, and realized I am a bigger mess than I thought.

I have been triggered frequently of late, and not dealing with them well. I feel like I'm back beyond square one somewhere. I'm not sure why everything is so hard right now. I have no cope left. Some days are great, and others are not.  Some are beyond my control. I wonder if I'm actually bi-polar?

The trigger today was unassuming. Matt was coming in the door as I got up at about 11:30 this morning. I noticed he had been wearing his "good" shoes, and I said "Oh, you've been out?" Yes, he says, I went for a walk. I froze in place with fear and anxiety. Stopped breathing as I was immediately transported back in time to when a walk, for me, was a harbinger of betrayal.

My ex-husband was unfaithful twice (that I am aware of).  Both times, before he told me, or I found out, he had developed the practice of going for walks alone. Pouring rain or other inclement weather didn't matter. He'd come back drenched and looking just as stressed as before. 

His second affair had been going on for at least a year by the time I discovered it. By that time, he had PTSD from several overseas operational tours with the CDN Forces. He was in therapy with a psychologist, and had been for a couple of years at that point. General Romeo Dallaire had previously made public statements about his struggles with PTSD. He revealed that he would often go for walks by the river and contemplate suicide by drowning. I had presumed that the odd behaviour and emotional distance of my Ex were due to his own battle with PTSD. He used to come home from work and tell me he had gone for a walk by the Elbow River at lunchtime that day. In the rain. One of many reasons that I worried he was on the edge of suicide.  

So, walks are historically bad news for me. I know Matt's behaviour is perfectly typical of him, and we are fine. 

I was surprised though, by my body's visceral reaction, and my inability to shake it off. My emotions ran high, I was brittle all day. Additional stressors, involving the unexpected cost of car repairs which I cannot afford, pushed me beyond my limits. Tears were exhausting rather than cathartic. I need to make an appointment for more counselling. I am not doing well.