WTF is real?

 Bad day. Migraine & Botox reaction. Diminished capacity cognitively, vulnerable and weepy emotionally. I get confused between reality and what I've dreamt. I often see email and text notifications that turn out to have been nonexistent. I don't always know what's real anymore, and it scares me.

The church called me in error today. I answered "Tammy speaking" and the woman on the other end said she had the wrong number. I miss my job. The Parishioners and the buildings NG. The church. The people. Except the clergy. But everything else. I'm so exceptionally sad to have found the perfect job and then have to leave it. 

There are inconsistencies in my loan documents and LTD approval.

My hypnogogic experiences are making me doubt myself and I am not confident in my recollection and decisions. I am weepy and burst into tears at random. 

Megan called to check on me. She and Erin are. She and Erin are super supportive. Megan notified Erin about my deteriorating mental state, and Erin came up to give me a hug and make sure I eat.

I'm listening to the audio book "Educated" the plotline involves a dysfunctional and abusive Mormon family, and includes a lot of gas lighting, bullying, and the main character distorting her reality to fit what helps her to survive. She also doesn't know what's real anymore. I'm sure this contributed to triggering me today.

Tomorrow will be better. I say that while feeling the burn of the asteroid heading my way 😂

June 9 - Ground Hog Day All Over Again

Migraine Level

On this day in My History

June 9, 2021 - I took today as a self-care day.  Soaked in a hot bath, wrote in my journal here. Did little else. It's amazing how fast the day goes when you're doing nothing. It is 3am as I finish writing this. I'm up way too late again. Migraine hasn't been too bad today. About a 5/6 for most of the day.

Matt was out when I woke at about 1pm. It was raining and I saw no sign of where he might be. I had just decided that Cait (his daughter) must have picked him up to go shopping or discuss details about the new house, when he came in the door. He had been out for a walk in the rain. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, this is not atypical of Matt.  He prefers to walk places and is usually unbothered by a bit of weather.

This on top of yesterday though, I just had to ask if everything was okay. Yes. Matt's voice reveals impatience and annoyance at my asking.  He hates it when I fuss. "In the rain?"  Yes, his cheque had come in the mail and he walked up to the bank to deposit it. He also got his second vaccine shot for Covid-19 at the drug store (yay!).

Asking actually doesn't mean much, but it's all I've got. I asked my Ex all the time if everything was okay. He always said yes. Even though my empathic senses told me he was feeling otherwise, I could only take him at his word. That was before I knew that his word had no meaning. 

Matt has never lied to me, of course that I know of. I don't want to live in distrust, and I made the choice when I started dating that I was all-in with an open heart.  It's the only way I can be.  Still, the past is haunting. And against my will, is disturbing me again.  It's exhausting and I feel like crying all the time. I have made a counselling appointment for Monday morning. I just have to make it through to then.

June 9, 2020 - Elizabeth Jacques is born. My BFF's first grandchild!

Historical Events of June 9th

A lot of significant events happened on June 9th! This is my curated list:

• June 9, 1534 - Jacques Cartier sails into the mouth of the St. Lawrence River, looking for gold and a northwest passage to the Orient; names the river for St. Lawrence on his feast day. Québec, Canada

• 1549 Book of Common Prayer is adopted by the Church of England

• June 9, 1537 - Religion - Pope Paul III declares in his encyclical Veros homines that Indians are "truly men", beings with the qualities and faults of other humans; they should not be enslaved, and should receive the Roman Catholic faith. Rome, Italy [Mighty white of him.]

• June 9, 1775 - American Revolutionary War - Guy Carleton proclaims martial law and calls out militia to augment 800 British regular troops; suspends administration of the Québec Act to meet the American invasion. Québec, Canada

• June 9, 1793 - Upper Canada Assembly passes law prohibiting the importation of slaves into Upper Canada. Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario

• June 9, 1813 - War of 1812 - American troops abandon Fort Erie after their defeat at Stony Creek; the British and Canadians will reoccupy the fort after American withdrawal from the area in December 1813. Fort Erie, Ontario

• June 9, 1814 - War of 1812 - Upper Canada Judges Thomas Scott, William Powell and William Campbell sentence eight Americans and Canadian "renegade settler" sympathizers to be hanged for treason and spying in the Bloody Assize at Ancaster; only one settler, Aaron Stevens, pleaded guilty, for passing information about British troop movements, to US General Boyd; the eight are hanged on July 20; seven others are spared and sent to Kingston to be deported. Hamilton, Ontario

• June 9, 1841 - Lord Sydenham appoints Legislative Council of Canada with 24 members; holds its first meeting on June 11, 1841. Kingston, Ontario

• June 9, 1866 - British Army soldier Timothy O'Hea enters a burning Grand Trunk Railway boxcar enroute to Fort Erie, rips the lids from munition boxes, and douses the flames with buckets of water; for saving the lives of his fellow soldiers and 800 German immigrants in converted boxcars, the 20 year old Irish Private will become the only person to earn the Victoria Cross for an act of valour In Canada, on January 7, 1867. Danville, Québec

• June 9, 1846 - Fire destroys the wharves and 2,000 houses in St. John's, leaving nearly 12,000 people homeless. St. John's, Newfoundland

• June 9, 2011 - British Columbia government renames a stretch of the Trans-Canada Highway between Langley and Abbotsford to "The Highway of Heroes" to honour the 13 BC soldiers who lost their lives in Afghanistan. Victoria, BC

June 8, 2021 - Walking Backward

Weather                        Migraine Level

On this day in history

On this day in MY history

June 8, 2021 - I am not doing well. I knew this for certain when I took my sleeping pill tonight. I have never taken two at one time, though often debated, wishing to ensure a good night's rest. I haven't yet because I worry about sleeping a little too well and not waking up again. Ever.  Tonight, I didn't care. Then I caught myself in that moment, and realized I am a bigger mess than I thought.

I have been triggered frequently of late, and not dealing with them well. I feel like I'm back beyond square one somewhere. I'm not sure why everything is so hard right now. I have no cope left. Some days are great, and others are not.  Some are beyond my control. I wonder if I'm actually bi-polar?

The trigger today was unassuming. Matt was coming in the door as I got up at about 11:30 this morning. I noticed he had been wearing his "good" shoes, and I said "Oh, you've been out?" Yes, he says, I went for a walk. I froze in place with fear and anxiety. Stopped breathing as I was immediately transported back in time to when a walk, for me, was a harbinger of betrayal.

My ex-husband was unfaithful twice (that I am aware of).  Both times, before he told me, or I found out, he had developed the practice of going for walks alone. Pouring rain or other inclement weather didn't matter. He'd come back drenched and looking just as stressed as before. 

His second affair had been going on for at least a year by the time I discovered it. By that time, he had PTSD from several overseas operational tours with the CDN Forces. He was in therapy with a psychologist, and had been for a couple of years at that point. General Romeo Dallaire had previously made public statements about his struggles with PTSD. He revealed that he would often go for walks by the river and contemplate suicide by drowning. I had presumed that the odd behaviour and emotional distance of my Ex were due to his own battle with PTSD. He used to come home from work and tell me he had gone for a walk by the Elbow River at lunchtime that day. In the rain. One of many reasons that I worried he was on the edge of suicide.  

So, walks are historically bad news for me. I know Matt's behaviour is perfectly typical of him, and we are fine. 

I was surprised though, by my body's visceral reaction, and my inability to shake it off. My emotions ran high, I was brittle all day. Additional stressors, involving the unexpected cost of car repairs which I cannot afford, pushed me beyond my limits. Tears were exhausting rather than cathartic. I need to make an appointment for more counselling. I am not doing well.

One More Goodbye

I cut John off today. One more part of surrendering what no longer serves me. Heavy heart and tears, but for the best. He took a piece of my heart with him. Given freely. No regrets.

insomnia.

Dear Diary...That's how it used to go, right?  I wonder how many diary entries are a result of insomnia. A bit frightening, since we were all a bit loopy with exhaustion. That wide awake vibratey exhaustion that is so uncomfortable.  Heaven knows what our brains put down on paper without our permission or editing approval.

It is with interest that I note it has been more than a year since I last posted.  Posted here, anyway. I post in my brain all the time. I'm quite a brilliant writer there. Kind of like always knowing the perfect come-back 20 minutes after it's too late.

The house that I wrote longingly of in that previous post has had a long journey since then. From desperate attempts to complete renovations that my Ex refused to finish, through dismal and degrading sales offers, finally to bankruptcy and foreclosure. After it was clear it would not sell, at least not while I owned it, the realtor packed up his sign and I said one last sad good-bye. I haven't been back since, though it was tempting to swing by and visit. I knew that would not serve me, and so I resisted. I have thought of it often though. Wondered what my garden looked like. Abandoned after being so lovingly tended the year before. 

This recent Boxing Day at our annual extended family get-together, I found out that the house had been sold. This information shared with me and the room in general by a well meaning but clueless relative like it was a juicy piece of gossip that I couldn't wait to hear. The news took my breath away. I couldn't think.  My house?  I said.  Trying to comprehend. It was a blow to my heart that took my breath away. I struggled for composure...to process this diatribe that continued to go on without me, my informant sure they must have lowered the asking price of the house significantly in order for it to have sold. Another punch. How much had my dream life been worth in the end?

My visceral reaction surprised me. It was a house that was meant to be sold, after all. And I knew that it would happen eventually. But to hear it...well. At that time of year, it was more than I could absorb gracefully. I excused myself to the washroom, where I cried like my heart had just been broken all over again.

Then I freshened myself up, and went back to my family. I was greeted by warm hugs of reassurance by precious family members who understood the impact of what had just happened to me. Then I cried a little more. I always do when people are nice to me, damn it.  I was, and continue to be, so grateful for the love and understanding of my wonderful family and friends, who have been unendingly patient and supportive through this whole mess.

And so, we come back again to Gratitude, where I left off a year ago.  2016 was not an easy year by any measure. It would have been so much worse if not for the tool of Gratitude that I gave myself at the start of it. I have processed so many memories and moments.  There will always be more. Another memory, more tears, more smiles, more heartache, more hugs and love.  How lucky I am, and so very grateful for it all.

Maybe now I can sleep.

Well, it's done.  I have packed up the family home and the For Sale sign is affixed firmly in the front lawn. I am torn about this.  Part of me is happy to have achieved this step, while most of me is screaming inside. Really loud heaving sobs of heartbreak.

For some, maybe most, moving out of a house is probably not a big deal.  For me, having been raised by chronically transient parents, having been homeless as a child and then marrying into the military, this home was everything to me. It represented settling and security for the first time in my life. We move into it in July of 2004, when my husband "retired" from the military for the first time.  We were supposed to live as a normal, civilian family and enjoy our kids, grow old together and live out our sunset years there. That was the plan.

Any military family knows that the plan never survives first contact.  I should have known that. I naively thought we could handle anything. Surely after a military career including 5 overseas tours (eventually 6), civilian life would be easy.  Not so fast. It seems the one thing military people cannot handle, is civilians. Without a gun and a battle plan, anyway.

This day has been coming, well technically it had been coming for 11 years now, but the timeline I have actively been a part of has been since July.  At that point I decided to sell the house instead of holding on to it, and its memories. Having come to that decision, I found us a home and my girls and I moved out in mid-September.  I have been gradually moving out ever since.  I know I dragged my feet. Holding on to what I knew was pointless, but I was so reluctant to say good-bye forever.  It may have been just a house, but to me it was my dream. My future. An embodiment of such promise that would never be.

Every Fall and Christmas season, it is hard to fight back. To fight against the sadness and depression that come with the despair that accompanies the memories of those times. It is a time and process that I have yet to conquer.  So this holiday season, I found a new tool: Gratitude.

When I am overcome by sadness brought on by memories of better times, even of bitter times, I have been changing my perspective, and shifting my frequency, to that of gratitude. Gratitude for having had that experience. Even if the rest was not to be, I have had all of those blessed experiences.  And I am so grateful for them all.  Really and truly.  I often think of the Garth Brooks song, The Dance.  I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the love, the blessings and the lessons along the way.  It is better to have loved and lost, etc, etc, etc...  This is not an easy shift to make, it is actually physically difficult.  I believe it to be the route to healing my heart, though.  And allowing my soul to grow from this.  I have opened my heart to gratitude, and I am grateful for the knowledge to be able to do so.

Bob Hope was a comedian and performer famous for ending his routines with a song...Thanks for the Memories.  I borrowed the title for this blog post from that idea. 

Happy New Year!  May 2016 bring you hope, love, faith, prosperity and joy. And may you remember to be grateful for it all.

Should Auld Aquaintance Be Forgot

Well, I'm still counting my blessings, but 2013 is definitely not ending as I expected it to.  After a year of renovations and family ups and downs, as the year was drawing to a close, I expected a little calm. A regrouping and recouping of energy.  A refocussing of our lives to normality and enjoying our newly spiffed up home. Turns out my marriage was drawing to a close without my knowledge or consent.

How does this happen, you ask.  Or I did.  Selfishness, laziness, egotistical narcissistic arrogance. To name but a few.

My husband of 28 years reconnected on Linked In with an old friend from high school. With my full knowledge and support.  Hey, I'm a progressive woman of the 21st century.  Men can have friendships with the opposite sex and they can remain just friends, right?  We're all grownups here.  Especially if said female friend is a devout Christian of the Anglican faith, who is raising 3 kids on her own after being divorced and escaping an abusive marriage.  Adultery is a sin, after all, and she works for the Diocese.  She must be an observant Christian whose only interest in my husband is....what was it I was thinking exactly? Oh, right.  I trusted him.  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

I have recently wished for a time machine.  To go back in time and absolutely forbid that this friendship be renewed.  My daughters wisely set me straight...you can't change stupid, they said.  And they're right.  The players in this little farce were always destined to make terrible, cowardly decisions, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

 Auld aquaintances best forgotten indeed.